I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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