that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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