It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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