Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
