So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
