I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
