Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
