i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
