you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize