just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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