if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
