So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
