I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
