his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
