I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
