You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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