put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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