i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
