I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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