captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
