Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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