She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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