see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
