Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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