I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
