It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
