SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
