It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
