I just saw a hot homeless man
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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