Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
