Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
