i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
