i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
