Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
