We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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