I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
