If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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