I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
