shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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