Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
