smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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