I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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