OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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