Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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