So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
