to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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