No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
