he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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