Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My breasts were aching with rage.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
