you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
