Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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