So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
