She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
