I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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