sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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