I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
