I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
